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Remember when we started a cooking blog… the week before Thanksgiving?

Oh, you mean that time I offered to host Friendsgiving for approximately fifteen of my bromates’ friends?

I set out to write specifically about the Lentil Loaf from the Oh She Glows Cookbook (the recipe isn’t available outside of the printed book, but a similar one can be found here). But I can’t write about that without mentioning the Mushroom Gravy and the Kale and Pomegranate Salad that I attempted to make at the same time. Oh, and the bromate antics that were happening concurrently:

Antics.

Let’s start with the ingredients. Number one: walnuts. Forgot to buy them. Whoops. Luckily, Kevin has whole ones. Unfortunately that means this recipe’s prep time has basically tripled because CHOPPING WALNUTS IS THE WORST.

photo 1Halfway done.  Only took me 13 minutes to chop this many.

Once the walnuts are chopped, I stop at the words “rimmed pan” and try not to act like a giggly 13-year old.  I remove my mind from the gutter and Google it just to make sure – FYI a rimmed pan is literally a pan. With sides.  Like most pans.  I also don’t actually think the sides made a difference while toasting the walnuts, but I’m a novice here…

Speaking of novice, most people hold their prepped ingredients in solo cups, right?

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Recipe calls for parchment paper. Upon realizing that, I decide I really just need to procure some. So I send one of the bromates out to buy parchment paper. He needed to pick up beer anyway.

Side note: Patsy Kline is singing “Crazy for Loving You” on the speakers. I am wearing the vintage apron that you bought for me.  Cooking Thanksgiving dinner for my three male roommates and our house guests, while one roommate sits with a beer on the couch and two play with smoke a turkey.

It’s fine. I promise I really am a feminist.

Forgot a timer but walnuts are alive.  I’m not sure how one minces celery so I make it up. I’m really not sure how one grates apples so I make that up too. The apple is definitely a #fail but I’m getting hangry and just want this shit to get into the oven.

Did I mention I’ve eaten zero food and that I’ve been convinced by the bromates that Coffee Stout is an appropriate replacement for Regular Coffee on Thanksgiving?

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Not an adequate substitute.

Trying to remember the last time I ate applesauce or raisins. I’m pretty sure it was in the same era that I was trading Kudos Bars for Gushers and Fruit Roll Ups for Double Stuf Oreos.

I always feel like a super accomplished cook when throwing fresh herbs into a dish. I sneak a taste and it’s delicious. The consistency is kind of dry, so I splash a little bit of veggie broth in. Because I’m so accomplished.

So accomplished that I completely skipped the paragraph where the recipe talks about blending the lentils into a paste.

That probably makes a difference?

Luckily, I was really hoping to work out today and missed my dance class. So I vigorously pound (calm down…) the lentils until they are somewhat mushy. I smush the whole mixture into the pan and get excited to be done, only to realize that you’re supposed to make the glaze before cooking.

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A Note About Ketchup: Before the industrial size fridge my three roommates and I shared crapped out, there was ample space for my Fancy Organic Brand Ketchup along with the bromates’ Scary High Fructose Corn Syrup Ketchup. Unfortunately, we had to throw all of the food from our old fridge out, and therefore I am currently stuck with the Scary HFCS Ketchup that was literally procured from a GAS STATION in a moment of panic by one of the bromates, when he wasn’t going to have anything to top his pre-made, frozen pigs in a blanket.

I’m not sure if it’s the HFCS or the fact that there is maple involved, but the glaze is ahhhmayzinggg.  I smear it on the moist loaf (tried to use three of my least favorite words in a sentence, just to see if I could do it) and pop it in the oven for 40 minutes.

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While the loaf is cooking, I have been deemed the Ice Queen by the bromates and handed eleven Smirnoff Ice bottles to hide on them (“icing”). It feels kind of like an adult Easter Egg Hunt. Which makes perfect sense in the West Oakland Country Club on Thanksgiving.

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I definitely need to research how to use parchment paper because I don’t think it’s supposed to start smoking? Not quite sure.   I cut the burning edges off and throw the loaf back into the oven for 10 more minutes.

Meanwhile, I’m making this orgasmic mushroom gravy from the Cozy Millet Bowl recipe that you HAVE to try. I didn’t put the kale in it, but you should because it’ll be amazing.

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Loaf is done.  Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of myself for getting all of this together.

photo 2Coupled with the turkey that Max smoked, Wanamaker’s mashed potatoes and rolls, and the incredible pies baked by Boots, we actually managed to have an Almost Adult Thanksgiving.

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Almost.

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