“Are these gluten free?”
“Oh, that’s why…”
Yesterday, with all kinds of time on my hands and just one real chore to do (you guessed it: laundry), I decided I was craving scones. I wanted to clean out my coconut and almond flours, so I found a recipe that used these and was also vegan. In theory, this should have been a pretty awesome and easy recipe, providing me with breakfast and treats for the entire week.
There were a few staggeringly obvious issues with what happened next:
1. I decided to make a vegan and gluten free version of something I had never made in its “normal” form.
2. I decided that 72% dark chocolate chips could easily be substituted for blueberries.
3. I decided to multiply my recipe by 1.5, because eight scones just wasn’t enough. I then fudged the math multiple times, and/or changed quantities (because no one wants to use 9/8 of anything, amirite?).
Even though I’ve taught dozens of 7th graders, plus my 31-year old girlfriend, fractions in the past five years.
Attempting to fit 1.5x the recipe onto a pan was almost unsuccessful, until I decided to make two “pies” worth of scones.
A few things I did like about this recipe:
– It told me to play with my food. Okay it didn’t quiiiite say to make a snowball out of the dough. But it said to use my hands which I took to mean: make a snowball out of the dough and pretend to throw at your dog.
– It told me when to wash my hands after making said snowball. I appreciated the explicit directions.
– It calls for dumping a bag of chamomile tea into the dough. The dough itself looked like cookies and smelled like tea. What could go wrong?!
A few things I did not like about this recipe:
– It uses my least favorite word ever. I guess I may need to get used to this word now that I’m attempting to bake things more often. Let’s all practice together…
ACK. EW. Reminds me of the time my coworkers plastered my classroom with post-its after I took a day off.
Oof. Maybe not over it quite yet.
– It told me I could use any kind of milk, so I used 1 cup of unsweetened and 1 cup of vanilla almond milk. I think these definitely only have a shot at being tasty if you use the sweetest milk option you can find.
– Most importantly: The scones tasted like shit.
When I realized how terribly yucky my scones were, I set about making Chia Jam to make up for it. When warmed up and doused with raspberry jam, they were relatively edible, and thus have not been tossed into the trash can yet. Each of my roommates pretended to enjoy one of them, until Edith (my co-chef from the Lentils day) lovingly let me down and informed me that the scones were, indeed, as bad as I thought they were.
What did I learn from this experience?
Just because something is pretty doesn’t mean it’s nice.